I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
