There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So vagazzling was a success
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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