please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
