the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
