dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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