then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
