What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
