my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Randomize
