College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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