Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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