At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
