So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
it's great music for shaving your balls
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
