i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
