I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Randomize
