this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
it glows. i had to have it.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
