You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
