you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
