fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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