dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
