Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
