it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
