I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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