What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
40s are totally the cure
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
