i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
