u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
