I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
