Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
