I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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