Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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