Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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