I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
