If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Randomize
