Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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