i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You took a bar mat shot.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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