I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
