i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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