I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
