He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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