I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
