I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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