Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
