and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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