I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
