he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
