the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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