You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
