Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
