Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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