Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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