I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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