I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
