...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
