make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
