he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
