So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
