I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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